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That alien feeling we all have at times

There were several occasions this week where I suddenly felt guilty.

Guilty for what I was doing, guilty for decisions I had taken.

And two things happen immediately. First, the urge to reject the feeling. Then, right behind it, the urge to analyse it.

My mind gets to work. What is this even for? It’s not serious. This is laughable. And a moment later: This is just my Catholic upbringing because Catholicism will always make you feel guilty.

It reminded me of a recent post by Heidi Singfield where she describes the creature from Ridley Scott’s Alien, the one that bursts out of the belly. To me that’s how I think of guilt in those moments. Something ugly that’s just there, and pops out at the most inconvenient moment.

But in recent years I’ve started seeing that there’s no point analysing the story of my guilt.

It doesn’t matter whether the feeling is silly or justified. What matters, in that moment, is to accept that I feel guilty. Just for that moment.

I can take the feeling, put it in my hands, and observe it. I can be okay that it’s there, just like my other thoughts, just like my body. It’s present. But it doesn’t define me.

And the funny thing about guilt is that I see it constantly with my clients.

Guilt for not being with their kids. Guilt for not being a good enough, inspirational enough leader for their team. Guilt for not living up to their peers. Guilt for not having made the best decision. Guilt for not getting through all the work in front of them. Guilt for working too much.

But it’s not you. You don’t need to be this feeling.

The feeling is temporary. It’s like a piece of clothing you put on in the morning and take off in the evening. You can decide to simply observe it and to notice it’s there with you, alongside everything else happening at the same time (over which you have no agency anyhow).

And that’s it. You can be okay with it.

At least, that’s what I managed to do.

Thanks for reading.

Photo by Daniel Leone on Unsplash